I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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