I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
