how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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