I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
