He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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