all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
