when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
