True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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