My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
