How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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