I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
