The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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