Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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