My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
