I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
