i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
