I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
