Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
