i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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