i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
