Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
