Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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