Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
