I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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