She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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