Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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