That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
