I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
