I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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