i wish there were pregnant emoticons
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
