This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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