never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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