Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
