I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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