When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
