She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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