apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
