I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
