i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
