She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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