Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I checked into jail on foursquare
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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