there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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