Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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