he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
