WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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