Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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