i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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