god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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