This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
