i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
