fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
