Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
