life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize