What did we do last night that was yellow?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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