I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
