Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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