Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
