____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
