I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
