So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
