And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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